Wow it hurts today

Every time I seem to pull it together, my eyes start flowing again. Wow I miss Scott!

I feel moments of exhilaration of the incredible experience he must be having right now, and other times it just seems like too much to comprehend that he's not here now.

I remember how much I missed Robert when he was on his mission, how much I cried when Dan left to the Marine Corps, how we looked forward to a letter marked with Brazilian postage from Jon... and man, it seems like missing Scott is just going to be a permanent part of me till I see him again, just the way it was with my other brothers' temporary absence.

Sarah and I decided when Scott was about 8 or 9, that we would try to simulate the experience of having a younger sibling for him. I took one of my dolls and got her dressed up. We told Scott he needed to take care of her. I played the voice of the doll, saying "I'm cold! I'm hungry!" Scott bustled about the house, getting everything for her that she wanted. After that, she whined and cried and said she needed something else. Scott rolled his eyes and sighed with this parental type of burden that he was enthusiastically taking up. He was really so caring; such a caring, comforting, accomodating person. Not just with my dolly, but there was never (absolutes are used often as a sign of admiration after some deaths, but really- NEVER) a time I told him about a problem that he couldn't stop and listen and offer a suggestion. I'll always be grateful for that.

~E

Just Missing Him

I'm just missing him all the time...
I think today was harder, because it was one month ago today.
I'm starting to feel like I'm learning how to perceive this situation.
I talk to him when I'm alone, and try to figure out how to make the best of my life now that he's no longer here.
I'm learning to be happy again, and my heart is beginning to grow from all the grief I've experienced through this...
I feel like I'll be a more compassionate person because of this, and I don't yet know what else.
It's like I want to do great things for him specifically, but because he isn't here I'm trying to figure out what great things I can do for others incidental to the ways he's strengthened me in this trial.

Thoughts about Scott

Dan, thank you for your posts. I am appreciative that you are inviting other family members to write about Scott on your blog-- that's very open and generous of you.

Some days I wake up and think it seems weird that the stores are open, the mail is still coming, the kids have to go to school, ....because there's not the month-long (at least) moment of silence for Scott that I wish there was. I want to see stores with darkened windows, restaurants with signs of "Come back in June" and just feel that there's a reverence set aside for such a life-changing event. It makes me wonder, as I go about my day and see people who have pain in their faces, how many others have sadness from this kind of loss.

Scott was so energetic and full of creativity, I think it was designed for him to come to a family where we could all play a part in taking care of him. As he got older, the more important thing to me was just making sure he knew he wasn't forgotten. My efforts pale next to some of the other family members', but I still know that he knew I loved him very much. But mortal love couldn't solve the depth of his pain and-- as freely as it was extended by Mom and Dad especially-- his complexities of pain and loneliness couldn't be healed here. I have been blessed with a firm assurance that he loves me and I know that he is still the Scott that we remember, only completely full of love!

There is a beautiful green mountain not even a mile from where I stand when I step out our front door. Lately it has been carressed by whispy after-rain clouds and hazy sunlight. At the peak of one of its crests, there is a home built with this sort of Asian look to it. Maybe it's my mortal need for territory for myself and loved ones, but I picture Scott in a place like this. With hardwood floors, and plenty of time for meditation and progression into his eternal future-- a future without limitations, a future infused with the power of the infinite Atonement.

Communicating with Scott through prayer I believe is not figurative or imaginative in any way. I really believe that with the power of spirit to spirit communication, he is not only hearing the words we send to him, but all the feelings of our hearts and souls that accompany the message, as well.

Cody, my 6 year old said that when we see Scott again, he'll be "Super Scott." He went on to say that super heroes are real-- "they're the spirits that are helping us."

I can hardly wait to see you Scott! I hope you're getting ready to show us all or your favorite spots.

Elaine

Ruffled Cloud

Yesterday, Christy and I planted two Ruffled Cloud Rose bushes as a memorial to Scott. They are planted on the East side of my art studio in our back yard.

Something I've been thinking about lately was the Toy Show trips Scott and I took. We went each summer for 3 years.
It was held at the Ogden County Fairgrounds.

We'd get up early, so we could beat the lines.
When we got inside we first did a quick lap around the convention center to assess the goods offered...
Then we did a "Must Have" lap, during which we bought everything we went there for... The first year it was mostly McFarlane Toys. Most importantly, The Maxx with the black isz. That figure had eluded us for about a year.
After that lap, we bought a zillion Spawn toys, and Iron Man, and Spider-man.
The one that Scott bought at the end of the first Toy Show was "Titanium Man" from the Iron Man collection. He had waited to buy it until the end of the Toy Show because he wanted to talk the seller down in price - which he did. He kept it in the package, wanting to preserve the mint condition of it. I found it, along with his collection of Iron Man comics that I bought for him as I was sorting through his closet two days after he passed away.

Association

I've been associating a lot of places with Scott. One place we now live close to - Super Target.

Scott and I had a couple of awesome times there...
One of the times was right after we went to see Godzilla at the Wynnsong Theatre. Afterwards we drove up to Super Target and bought the 3 foot action figure of Godzilla. It was great! (Much better than the movie, in fact).

Another really memorable time was when Mom & Dad went out of town. They gave me some money so Scott and I would have enough food in the house. We went to Super Target, and bought just enough food to sustain us. Then we went to the toy section and bought the huge Star Wars Rancor action figure. And the Knights of Rohan Dragon. I don't know if Mom & Dad ever found out about that one!!!

Yummy Ramen:)

Scott was such a wonderful friend, and we had lots of adventures together.
I look forward to writing about more of them.

Where is My Mind?

I must move forward with recording memories of Scott. That is what this blog is for. I must keep the memory of him alive.

Bethannne Andersen, Professor of Illustration at BYU once asked me "Do you know how we respect the departed? We say their name. Listen to yourself talk when you say a name with respect. You are giving that person POWER!!!"

I must write of Scott, and speak of him to those who knew and loved him like I did. I must always give him power.

Varying Levels of Closure

I took a few days off writing here. The funeral was yesterday, and I had to take time to work on my talk...
The funeral service was wonderful, and the chapel overflowed with people who came to honor my brother. It really touched my heart how many friends he had, and the huge range of age the congregation contained.
One of my previous neighbors, who lost her son to an accident, told me "You'll never get over this. You'll get used to it, but you'll never get over it."
I don't know what it would mean to "Get over it" but I know that Scott wouldn't have me mourning him forever. In fact, I feel a certain level of closure now. After the closeness, kindness, and healing words at the funeral I felt that I could finally go on.
I said "goodbye" to my brother. I told him that I love him, and it repaired the gaping hole I'd previously had.
One of Scott's friends, Chev, told me how he had lost his mother at a young age. He told me the grieving process can be longer and more pronounced for those who were closer to Scott. He said that it is important to talk to Scott, and to thank him every day for the goodness and happiness he brought into my life. He said that this will bring Scott's spirit closer to me, and help me feel it more. He said the expression of gratitude heals.
I am now in a different, less intense level of the same situation. I've had a few bouts with tears, but mostly I feel more calm. I have prayed and asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for not reaching out to Scott more often, and for all of my shortcomings in this situation. I am so far from being perfect.
Today my family is staying home from church. We're going to work on the home, and get it in order. We need to have the foundation of our home as we move into this week.
Last night, All the siblings except Jennifer went to celebrate Scott's birthday by seeing Iron Man. Jennifer stayed with Scott's friends; she brought alchohol to their "Goodbye to Chuglet (Scott)" party. I thought it was really cool that she stayed there and talked with people that Scott spent so much time with. I thought it was cool that she drank with them.
Chev offered to professionally frame all of Scott's Iron Man comics for me at his own expense. I accepted that he could frame the first issue, and that it will go in my studio. It comforts me so much to know that Scott had a friend like Chev.
In fact, it's been healing to see that there were so many people who loved, and love Scott. I think at times I felt like I was the only one that really saw how amazing he was, but I now see that many people saw him for who he was, and who I believe he still is.
One thing I wanted to record was Bishop Smith's remarks...A story he shared about Scott.
The Bishop's family were getting ready to paint the interior of their home. Scott showed up and asked "Can I help?"
They agreed, and the Bishop went on some errands while Scott was painting. When he returned, he saw that Scott had a more artistic form of "painting" in mind. He had painted pictures and murals all over their walls. The Bishop recalled how Scott smiled, and thanked him for letting him help, and then left.
It was so funny, and so awesome. It was totally Scott to do that.
One of my friends at work wrote me a letter. It reads, in part "Your brother lives in you. I believe with all my heart that all though our loved ones are no longer with us in the flesh, they're with us in spirit. Talk to your brother and he will hear you..."
I am at a new level of closure, but I feel as if I'm getting locked into a long-term perspective that I will adopt concerning how I will feel about this for the rest of my life. Right now it is vital for me to turn and look at every good and great thing Scott did for me and others, and express to him my love and admiration for the individual that he was, and is.
In order for me to do this, I must get our home in order. I must complete my studio, and I must move forward.
I love you, Scott.